Insomnia kept me stirring late these past few nights, wide-eyed and blinking at the stardust. My heart has been extra soft, gushy and pained these past two weeks as if all the sunshine in my life has illuminated the path of grief and loss. I feel more now than I did those first months after my father’s death. A friend offered some enlightenment; perhaps as I move out of pure survival mode I find myself in a place where support is strong, gifts are abundant and thus the grieving process amps up since I can process more.
The Cosmos is right there with me, spinning an ever-perfect web. For instance, just last week Hospice held a special memorial tribute in the beautiful stained glass adorned chapel at the hospital. All those who passed away under Hospice care during the first six months of this year were acknowledged. A young pregnant musician accompanied the service with her sweet clear voice and guitar, two ministers conducted the memorial. My mom, Paul, the kids and I took up a whole row in the tiny chapel. Sun shone through the two story stained glass chapel wall. Stunning. A fountain splashed soothingly - a water whisper affirming life; cycles, continuity and comfort.
Just a few moons ago I spent time alone in the chapel during my father’s brief hospital stay. After a routine doctor appointment Dad had been admitted to the hospital for tests. That evening Dad and I were told that he had fourth stage pancreatic cancer. Early the next morning I visited the chapel just after the sun came up. I completed a series of Sun Salutations (yoga) right there on the chapel floor with the soothing fountain coaching me to take deep breaths, find my center and focus on love. Here I was in that chapel again for a memorial service surrounded by my new family, sitting next to my little mother and listening to the fountain while taking deep breaths.
My own health has really turned a corner during the past month or two. Finally my middle is more like its old self. I no longer feel like a wide chasm cut my body into two disconnected parts with an echo bouncing in the wide open space between. The dark disappointing void is filling in. Creativity burns bright and strong along with a notion that despite my inability to reproduce, I can still produce. Create. Give and receive. Lift, love, and laugh from my center. My “chi” (life force) once again burns bright and strong. Unsevered.
On top of the feelings and healings there is the whole gift of a studio. Blessings abound.
Three weeks ago my patron and friend gave Paul the go-ahead to begin the project before she broke the news of her amazing gift to me with a phonecall. I pulled over, listened as she told me her plans, hung up and cried. I couldn’t tell anyone that first week without crying. Happy tears.
Since then the ground has been scraped, road made, hole dug, foundation poured, heated slab plumbed, poured and backfilled, septic put in, approved and buried. Power is to the site. The plans for a custom hoist system have passed inspection by an engineer, steel beams are ordered AND they have drilled for water. We haven’t found water yet but luck continues to shine since they got the floor poured and completed just hours before another winter storm.
During the last two weeks I completed a new carving which has gone to the foundry to become the first bronze edition created by me in oh-my-gosh-way-too-many-years! Feels good. Pictures of the sweet little bunny-themed carving will be posted soon. The Devil Woman Saloon sculptures are still in the works with some exciting developments. Challenging fun stuff.
Energy and emotion buzz thoughts during sleepless nights. I must breath deep, feel all of it, field some of it, smile and take large drinks of sky - stardust and all.