creepy crud

A thin warm ribbon of sky peaked above the horizon before pulling the covers over its head.  The lazy heavy cool clouds piled and pillowed around the snow topped Crazy Mountains.  The sky matches my own body's heaviness.  The thick goo that invaded my chest and lungs to slum with the zapped hot/cold bones of this intense bug has caused me to cancel plans to camp and climb this weekend - but the down time is its own bit of unpredicted soul food.  I read, renew and watch the spring green unfold around me. I don't usually get this sick.  But the crud creeped in last week as I exited the plane from Texas.  Or perhaps it creeped in before I got on the plane then incubated in the recycled air above and between worlds.  I have been literally couched - for days.  Illness can take us to dark murky places but it can also liberate us through the enforced stillness.  I was not my usual optimistic upbeat over-adventurous self before the illness took over.  Thus the murk got murkier.  Tears flowed.  Teeth clenched.  Shoulders shrugged.  Slump.

I have been struggling.  Struggling under the weight of BIG dreams and small purse strings.  Fear grasps and glowers during such times.  I don't recognize myself.  The parts I see I don't like.  Lost.  Sometimes I am so lost.  Darkness pervades - I harden until brittle - then I crack.  Cracks let in the light.  Thank goodness!

Time for self:  Solitude.  Shift.

Just as spring green lush new growth squeezes out the dull, dark dank dead stuff – I soak in the light, relish the rain.  Stir, sprout and smile once again.