Valentine's Day - memories of mother

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Mom was giddy. Those first years after cancer took Dad, Mom stepped out with sweet eager curiosity and newfound freedom. She wanted her hair short (something Dad didn’t encourage). She was keen to embrace life, love and be seen. Alzheimer’s had moved into her mind years earlier. Our response to its hunger and greed during this short bright chapter (before it gobbled voraciously) was to seek out and soak up the bright moments sparkling in the simplest things - like the photo booth at a Tart Gallery Valentine’s party eight years ago. Today was a somewhat rare domestic day for me. I cleaned our home and baked cookies. A few simple kitchen gestures are linked directly to Mom (fluff the flour with a spoon, flip the spoon to make chopping motions on the flour in the measuring cup before dispensing the excess to make a perfect measurement). Mom ground her own flour (the gluten-free almond flour I use a distant cousin). I felt Mom in my kitchen today. A smile rides alongside my tears as the last batch of cookies bake in the oven. Happy Valentines Mom. I love you.

Commission Complete

I haven’t taken on a commission since I carved for king of Bhutan but felt compelled to create the vision my client had for her future grandchildren to enjoy. A good chunk of the summer went into carving two totem poles for a historical lodge in Lake Tahoe. Out of respect for my client’s privacy, I did not post pictures while creating the totems but here is a peek at one critter’s progression:

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Blazing Saddles Ride

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Yesterday kicked my ass. And my CROTCH. And the bottoms of my feet, my toes, my forearms and my neck. But mostly my crotch. Fortunately my thighs, calves and lungs held up pretty damn good for the whole 100 miles. My spirit wavered occasionally and I had the shit scared out of me twice. But it was worth it.

Fifty people donated in support of my ride. Together we raised over $3000 of the $15,000 at the Blazing Saddles event to help Montana families of children with cancer. Your support helped carry me across those miles.

When I faced a knurly headwind during the 8th hour on that tiny abusive seat on top of those impossibly skinny hard tires I swore out loud. Seriously. I also panted a mantra the last few miles, “you are healthy – you are healthy – you are healthy” which was as close as I could get to “you are strong” and “you got this” because at those moments when the wind pounded my spirit and the relentless deep cracks in the pavement punched my softest most sensitive parts, I didn’t feel like I “had this” or that I was “strong.” I felt like crying and more than anything I wanted to be DONE.

My pain was real. But I was heartily aware that my pain was temporary and a self-imposed “luxury” that comes from a choice I made while being healthy, unlike young’uns faced with cancer. Cancer has touched all of us one way or another. I witnessed my father’s last breath when pancreatic cancer took him. I saw the fear in my mother’s eyes when they wheeled her away to cut off her breast. The day before the ride a courageous dear friend who continues to fight texted (without whining) that he was “Feeling lousy today. Weak from chemo and sick.”

I do not personally know a child with cancer but I thought about three new babies recently born to 3 of the ten couples Raymond has married. I rode for those healthy babies and their future even as I road for the children currently fighting. Yesterday was the kind of day that took me places within myself that are both personal and not-at-all about “self.”

It’s not too late to donate: The Payden Foundation

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Desert Night

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Followed a GIANT jackrabbit a ways down a desert dirt road somewhere near Escalante until it dead ended at a rocky ravine. I rolled out the cozy o’l sleeping bag I used when I was a wilderness ranger 30 years ago, lay down and watched as clouds rushed the moon. Wind whipped. Rain fell until the storm drove me into the back seat of the truck where I curled up and dozed. The storm passed, I crawled out of my burrow and sprawled in the truck bed as the clouds crept away and the stars marched in...